Dr. Uwe Boll Threatens Nation with 4-hour Cut of In the Name of the King
In a brazen act of televison air-wave hijacking during Sunday’s NFL playoffs, movie director Dr. Uwe Boll declared to a stunned nation he would unleash a 4-hour version of In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale upon the citizens of the US unless his demands were met.
“Eet iz true, I, Dr. Uwe Boll, have created a four-hour cut of In ze Name of ze King, and I, Dr. Uwe Boll, will detonate eet in several major cities if your leaders do not hand over to me zee American superstar David Hasselhoff to star in my next movie, Guitar Hero 3,” Dr. Boll stated from his fortified compound located 5 miles below an unknown European volcano while drunk, football crazed Americans called television stations across the country demanding answers for how a little german man had climbed into their TVs.
His face plastered as a mosaic on several large monitors behind him, Dr. Boll concluded, “Give me Zee Hoff in zirty-zix hours… or else.” Then maniacal, high-pitched laughter followed as the broadcast faded to black.
All attempts by exclusivemovienews.com to reach the White House have failed. However, sources within the government have confirmed the Uwe Boll situation is a larger danger to our nation’s security than Osama Bin-Laden, trans-fat, and the ever threatening resurgence of the South combined and all is being done to prevent a 4-hour print of this crime to humanity from entering the United States. The borders are being shut down, all incoming ships with exports are being turned back, and Jack Bauer has been alerted.
One anonymous source within the State Department emphatically stated that the US would not hand over The Hoff to a madman; however Hasselhoff’s location is currently unknown and all intelligence resources are rummaging through the nation’s bars searching for him.
Since 2003 Dr. Boll has hatched several schemes for world destruction through the means of movie exhibition. Thousands have perished world wide along with the careers of every actor to star in one of his movies. In 2004, the United Nations formally labeled Dr. Boll as the world’s first diabolical supervillain film director after casting Tara Reid as a scientist in Alone in the Dark, the result of which caused hundreds of heads to explode while viewing the movie.
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