Superbad Actors Beaten to a Pulp
Los Angeles, CA - Beloved Superbad cohorts, Jonah Hill and Michael Cera, were “jumped” this week on their way out of a local Dairy Queen. Two hooded figures attacked the two actors, kicking them repeatedly in the nutsacks until they knealed over in what has been described as “indescribable pain”. Most of the attention was paid upon the larger and more intimidating Jonah Hill whom witnesses say got the brunt of the beatdown.
The Knocked Up star, bedded next to Arrested Development pal Cera at St. Mary’s Hospital, remained level-headed about the affair, however. “It sucks getting your face beat into the ground five consecutive times but I was most pissed about the wasted food. My Arctic Rush drink spilled everywhere. Michael ordered the MooLatte because he’s a big homo.”
“Hey, screw you man.”
Most shocking, however, might be who the masterminds behind this random attack were. Eyewitnesses believe the assailants to be none other than American Pie stars, Jason Biggs and Chris Klein whom the police are currently searching for.
When confronted, Hill refused to rush to judgement. “I think we just need to wait until all the facts and my teeth are out. I don’t want to believe it, I can tell you that. I’m a really big fan of American Pie. That would be so lame if they did this. I will never watch it again.”
A visibly ticked Cera, his eye beet-red from a busted blood vessel, was less diplomatic. “They should be killed and their children beaten.”
Hill disagreed. “It’s hard out there for former teen icons. I’m not saying they shouldn’t pay the piper if they’re guilty. But maybe we should look at why they felt the need to attack … if they even did it of course. How much did Rollerball play into this? I know Briggs is doing some crappy movie with Eva Langoria where he’s in it for like five minutes. I mean, man that has to suck.”
Local resident Humberto Sanchez, who witnessed the attack, said the neighborhood has seen a spike in former teen icons committing deadly acts. “My grandmother was held up by Jonathan Taylor Thomas in the Target parking lot not two weeks ago. It’s getting so a guy can’t walk around in his own neighborhood. It’s getting out of hand and city hall remains silent.”
Humberto, however, doesn’t see himself moving out of his comfortable duplex anytime soon. “I live well. I like my neighborhood. But if I see Tom Green … I’m sorry, I’m going to cap his ass.”
Filed under: Breaking News