Daniel Day-Lewis to Open Milkshake Parlor Chain
Little Boston, CA–Oscar winning thespian Daniel Day-Lewis disclosed plans Monday to open a nation-wide chain of milkshake parlors named There Will Be Milkshakes!, in reference to his latest film and acclaimed performance in There Will Be Blood.
When asked how his milkshake parlors would manage to compete with established ice cream franchises such as Dairy Queen and Steak and Shakes, a bent, unshaven Day-Lewis replied, “Drrrrainage! My boy. Drainage. I’ll drink it up. Everyday. I’ll drink the blood of lamb from Dairy Queen’s tract. Dairy Queen is a false prophet of the milkshake business and the Choco Cherry Love Blizzard is a superstition!”
Afterwards, Day-Lewis admitted he desires no other milkshake companies to succeed and sees nothing worth liking in all other ice cream related products. Then the press conference concluded suddenly when Day-Lewis glumly stated, “I’m finished” after threatening to cut the throat of Steak and Shake CEO Duane Godable if he ever told him how to run his milkshake maker again
With previous forays into shoe making and wood working, Day-Lewis’ decision to enter the milkshake business surprised few Hollywood insiders.
“The man can do it all,” said Alan Monowsky, a Hollywood agent at Creative Artists Agency. “Day-Lewis is known for staying in character long after production. My guess is he’s still Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood in some ways. But starting up an oil business these days is just a ridiculous idea. So since Plainview has that great line about milkshakes, it’s not shocking Day-Lewis is entering the less cut-throat milkshake industry in the persona of Plainview.”
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