Daniel Day-Lewis to Open Milkshake Parlor Chain

Posted on February 4, 2008 by Monty "Boots" McJaybels

Little Boston, CA–Oscar winning thespian Daniel Day-Lewis disclosed plans Monday to open a nation-wide chain of milkshake parlors named There Will Be Milkshakes!, in reference to his latest film and acclaimed performance in There Will Be Blood.

When asked how his milkshake parlors would manage to compete with established ice cream franchises such as Dairy Queen and Steak and Shakes, a bent, unshaven Day-Lewis replied, “Drrrrainage! My boy. Drainage. I’ll drink it up. Everyday. I’ll drink the blood of lamb from Dairy Queen’s tract. Dairy Queen is a false prophet of the milkshake business and the Choco Cherry Love Blizzard is a superstition!”

Afterwards, Day-Lewis admitted he desires no other milkshake companies to succeed and sees nothing worth liking in all other ice cream related products. Then the press conference concluded suddenly when Day-Lewis glumly stated, “I’m finished” after threatening to cut the throat of Steak and Shake CEO Duane Godable if he ever told him how to run his milkshake maker again

With previous forays into shoe making and wood working, Day-Lewis’ decision to enter the milkshake business surprised few Hollywood insiders.

“The man can do it all,” said Alan Monowsky, a Hollywood agent at Creative Artists Agency. “Day-Lewis is known for staying in character long after production. My guess is he’s still Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood in some ways. But starting up an oil business these days is just a ridiculous idea. So since Plainview has that great line about milkshakes, it’s not shocking Day-Lewis is entering the less cut-throat milkshake industry in the persona of Plainview.”

Movie Geeks Anxiously Await Superbowl Trailer for Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2

Posted on February 3, 2008 by Monty "Boots" McJaybels

Hollywood, CA–In a last minute press conference Sunday morning, Warner Bros. Studios surprised and delighted movie fan boys across the nation by announcing the much anticipated teaser for The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 would be revealed during the Superbowl.

“Director Sanaa Hamri has been locked in the editing room for 2 weeks straight in order to put together this exclusive spot for the Superbowl,” said Warner Bros. publicist Jerry Savage. “I’ve seen it. It’s arguably the most emotional 1 minute and 25 seconds I’ve ever experienced. Male movie geeks across the country won’t be disappointed. We’re expecting a hugely positive reaction across the Internet, where this teaser will be available for download Monday morning.”

After the news was issued, Aintitcoolnews owner/operator/self-proclaimed Head Geek Harry Knowles proclaimed in a headline, “The Best and Greatest Footballtastic Teaser EVER to be Witnessed During Superbowl!! MOVIE GEEKS REJOICE!!! Warner Bros. is OUR NEW GOD!!!!!” And within the article Knowles went on stating, “I was tingling in my ballsack for the Iron Man spot. I had a juicy boner for a possible Dark Knight trailer….but The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2!!!! Oh my god this is better than my birthday and Christmas and Fantastic Fest and The Rolling Roadshow and an Olsen twin threesome all rolled up in one….I’ve been dying to see some footage from Hamri’s sequel. Dying!!!!! What an awesome brilliant masterful beautiful surprise from Warner Bros!!!!!”

Knowles wasn’t alone in his enthusiasm. In movie website forums across the Internet, fan boys were exclaiming in ectasy. According to one film nerd who writes under the handle AnakinJonesSolo, “To be serious guys, I have brain cancer. I was hoping to live long enough to see The Dark Knight. But with the surprise teaser for TSofTP2 coming out, I know I can hold on till August now. This teaser will make me live longer. I know it!!!!!”

Little is known about the story for The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. However, according to a synopsis on the Warner Bros. website, the film continues the adventures of a pair of traveling pants.

Stallone Announces Really Over the Top Trilogy

Posted on January 31, 2008 by Monty "Boots" McJaybels

Hollywood, CA–With the latest kill-murder rampage of 80s movie icon John J. Rambo stacking up cash at the box office 20 years after the last installment, actor-auteur Sylvester Stallone revealed his next project Thursday: back-to-back sequels to his 1987 trucker/arm wrestling opus, Over the Top, in which he played Lincoln Hawk, a ball-cap loving trucker turned arm wrestling champ. The sequels, currently titled Even Overer the Top: Hawk’s Flight and So Far Over the Top: Bone Breakin’ Boogaloo, are expected to arrive in theaters Christmas 2010 and 2011.

“With today’s visual effect fire-power to really give the audience the true experience of greasy, sweaty, muscle-flexing arm wrestling, I feel the time is right to reintroduce a new generation to Lincoln Hawk and the mysterious world of trucker arm wrestling,” Stallone no doubt mumbled as his publicist penned the press release. “But the only way to do it right is as a trilogy, filmed simultaneously. In 3-D.”

The plot for the sequels was not discussed in the press release and reports indicate it is under such tight security protocols a script has not even been allowed to be written. However, according to an anonymous source Even Overer the Top: Hawk’s Flight will begin with Hawk’s character as a much more isolated, cynical person than seen in the first movie. “He’s been driving his big rig for the last 20 years all alone on the road. His kid hates him after realizing in his teens that Hawk’s actions during the first movie removed him from a life of wealth, privilege, and free Paris Hilton sex. But when a sudden event forces Hawk back into the arm wrestling box, the act of squeezing, rubbing, holding another human’s hand as he snaps his opponent’s forearm in half sets Hawk on a course back to his humanity,” said the anonymous source who fears for his life if his name were to be revealed.

It is still unknown if any other cast members from the original installment will return for the sequels. However, according to David Mendenhall’s manager at Burger King, Mendenhall’s slate will be wide open next week if he doesn’t clean the goddamn gristle off the fry cooker real pronto like.

2009 MLK Jr. Day to be Replaced with Holiday Celebrating Plump Teen from Hairspray

Posted on January 21, 2008 by Monty "Boots" McJaybels

Washington D.C.–The Department of National Holidays announced Monday Martin Luther King Jr. Day will be replaced with Tracy Turnblad Day, honoring the plump chick from Hairspray who fought for racial intergration of dancers on The Corny Collins Show.

“I know many people will be surprised, perhaps even shocked and outraged,” said Deputy Secretary of the Department of National Holidays Ed Miner during a press conference. “But as great as a man as Martin Luther King Jr. was, he wasn’t commercial enough to truly sell a holiday in the 21st century. However with the release of last summer’s hit film musical Hairspray the country saw a new Civil Rights leader emerge from forgotten history. One who can sing and dance and is still young enough to relate to the increasingly important teen demographic.”

Miner expects high-hair wigs, CDs, DVDs, and of course hairspray to be among the immediate tie-ins to Tracy Turnblad Day. “Yet Tracy Turnblad Day continues to grow over the next few years, I believe the card and candy industries will find ways to develop avenues of new traditions to go along in celebrating this splendid holiday,” said Miner. “Maybe even End Segregation yard signs will become the fad again.”

In 1962, during the midst of the Civil Rights Movement, Turnblad contested and eventually ended the segregation policy of Baltimore, MD, television station WYTZ. Her first act against the policy was convincing the local African-American community to march in slow-motion upon the station as Queen Latifah sung a stirring, emotionally exploitive hymn over the soundtrack. Yet, the march accomplished little more than feeling tonally out of place with the colorful, campy style of 1962 Baltimore. However, Turnblad then delivered a more tonally suitable cou’de gra to the station’s segregation policy with an amusing hijacking of the “Miss Teenage Hairspray” pageant which brought about instant racial harmony within the Baltimore city limits.

Headline Writers at Loss for Puns for Upcoming Cloverfield Reviews

Posted on January 14, 2008 by Monty "Boots" McJaybels

Across the nation’s newsrooms, distressed copy editors are working feverishly around the clock to find puns for Cloverfield related headlines. Sources indicate little headway has been made and several newspapers have signed a petition for Paramount to change the film’s title to something more accessible to puns and play on words, such as Monstrous, Wreck, Colossus or Go-Go Monster Stomp.

“Cloverfield. C’mon what kind of dumbass title is that? I just don’t know how to make it work,” said a frustrated Matt Saddle, copy editor for the Orlando Sentinel. “For a positive review, I so far have ‘A 4-Leaf Clover of a Movie’ and for a poor review I got ‘Cloverfield Sucks Balls, Dawg.’”

According to Saddle and other copy editors contacted around the country, there is a little known pact between movie studios and the media that essentially forces all film titles to include words that allow for lazy pun-heavy headlines.

“Take Mad Money for instance, where boom, off the top of my head I can give you ‘Mad Funny’ or ‘Bad Money.’ This ability for puntastic headline writing is my gift. My gift to the world. And Cloverfield is killing me here, man.” said an unshaven, armpit stained Saddle as he crushed an empty coffee cop and tossed it among a pile of crumpled pieces of paper with rejected headlines.

This crisis came about after the film’s producers refused up until a month before release to acknowledge that the movie’s title was indeed Cloverfield. “Yeah, I can create a decent headline off the top of my head, but in reality we need at least three months of prep time to deliver a truly inspiring piece of punnery,” said Saddle after smashing an empty coffee pot against the wall in the break room. “Take my headline for Spider-man 3, ‘All Webbed Up and No Place to Go.’ It took me 4 and a half months to nail that. It’s a frickin’ work of art. But since [producer] J.J. Abrams apparently gets his jollies by toying with the audience, we didn’t get that prep time–plus the dork goes and picks a title that doesn’t make any sense. Well let’s just hope they change the title or otherwise I don’t know how people will find a proper ‘in’ to the reviews without a pun in the headline.”

Dr. Uwe Boll Threatens Nation with 4-hour Cut of In the Name of the King

Posted on January 13, 2008 by Monty "Boots" McJaybels

In a brazen act of televison air-wave hijacking during Sunday’s NFL playoffs, movie director Dr. Uwe Boll declared to a stunned nation he would unleash a 4-hour version of In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale upon the citizens of the US unless his demands were met.

“Eet iz true, I, Dr. Uwe Boll, have created a four-hour cut of In ze Name of ze King, and I, Dr. Uwe Boll, will detonate eet in several major cities if your leaders do not hand over to me zee American superstar David Hasselhoff to star in my next movie, Guitar Hero 3,” Dr. Boll stated from his fortified compound located 5 miles below an unknown European volcano while drunk, football crazed Americans called television stations across the country demanding answers for how a little german man had climbed into their TVs.

His face plastered as a mosaic on several large monitors behind him, Dr. Boll concluded, “Give me Zee Hoff in zirty-zix hours… or else.” Then maniacal, high-pitched laughter followed as the broadcast faded to black.

All attempts by exclusivemovienews.com to reach the White House have failed. However, sources within the government have confirmed the Uwe Boll situation is a larger danger to our nation’s security than Osama Bin-Laden, trans-fat, and the ever threatening resurgence of the South combined and all is being done to prevent a 4-hour print of this crime to humanity from entering the United States. The borders are being shut down, all incoming ships with exports are being turned back, and Jack Bauer has been alerted.

One anonymous source within the State Department emphatically stated that the US would not hand over The Hoff to a madman; however Hasselhoff’s location is currently unknown and all intelligence resources are rummaging through the nation’s bars searching for him.

Since 2003 Dr. Boll has hatched several schemes for world destruction through the means of movie exhibition. Thousands have perished world wide along with the careers of every actor to star in one of his movies. In 2004, the United Nations formally labeled Dr. Boll as the world’s first diabolical supervillain film director after casting Tara Reid as a scientist in Alone in the Dark, the result of which caused hundreds of heads to explode while viewing the movie.

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